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| It's been four months since my heart attack.
| | ROT IN HELL WEEBS[[Category:Transcripts]] |
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| In that whole time, I can probably count the times I've left this hospital room unsupervised on one hand.
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| Four months is a pretty long time when you're left alone with your thoughts. So, I've had plenty of time to come to terms with my situation.
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| [[Arrhythmia]].
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| A strange word. A foreign, alien one. One that you don't want to be in the same room with.
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| A rare condition. It causes the heart to act erratically and occasionally beat way too fast. It can be fatal.
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| Apparently, I've had it for a long time. They said it was a miracle that I was able to go on so long without anything happening.
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| Is that really a miracle? I guess it was supposed to make me feel better, more appreciative of my life.
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| It really didn't do anything to cheer me up.
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| My parents, I think, were hit harder by the news than I was. They practically had two hemorrhages apiece.
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| I had already had a full day by then to digest everything. To them, it was all fresh. They were even willing to sell our house in order to pay for a cure.
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| Of course there isn't a cure.
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| Because of the late discovery of this... condition, I've had to stay at the hospital, to recuperate from the treatments.
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| When I was first admitted, it felt as if I was missed...
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| For about a week, my room in the ward was full of flowers, balloons and cards.
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| But, the visitors soon dwindled and all the get-well gifts began trickling down to nothing shortly after.
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| I realized that the only reason I had gotten so many cards and flowers was because sending me their sympathy had been turned into a class project.
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| Maybe some people were genuinely concerned, but I doubt it. Even in the beginning, I barely had visitors. By the end of the first month, only my parents came by on a regular basis.
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| [[Iwanako]] was the last to stop visiting.
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| After six weeks, I never saw her again. We never had that much to talk about when she visited, anyway.
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| We didn't touch the subject that was between us on that snowy day ever again.
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| The hospital?
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| It's not really a place I'd like to live in.
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| The doctors and nurses feel so impersonal and faceless.
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| I guess it's because they are in a hurry and they have a million other patients waiting for them, but it makes me feel uncomfortable.
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| For the first month or so, I asked the head cardiologist every time I saw him for a rough estimate of when I'd be able to leave.
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| He never answered anything in a straightforward way, but told me to wait and see if the treatment and surgeries worked.
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| So, I idly observed the scar that those surgeries had left on my chest slowly change its appearance over time, thinking of it as some kind of an omen.
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| I still ask the head cardiologist about leaving, but my expectations are low enough now that I'm not disappointed any more when I don't get a reply. The way he shuffles around the answer shows that there is at least some hope.
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| At some point I stopped watching TV. I don't know why, I just did.
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| Maybe it was the wrong kind of escapism for my situation.
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| I started reading instead. There was a small "library" at the hospital, although it was more like a storeroom for books. I began working my way through it, one small stack at a time. After consuming them, I would go back for more.
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| I found that I liked reading and I think I even became a bit addicted. I started feeling naked without a book in my hands.
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| But I loved the stories.
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| That was what my life was like.
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| The days became increasingly harder to distinguish from each other, differing only by the book I was reading and the weather outside. It felt like time blurred into some kind of gooey mess I was trapped inside, instead of moving within.
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| A week could go by without me really noticing it.
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| Sometimes, I'd pause in realization that I didn't know what day of the week it was.
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| But other times, all the things that surrounded me would painfully crash into my consciousness, through the barrier of nonchalance I had set up for myself.
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| The pages of my book would start to feel sharp and burning hot and the heaviness in my chest would become so hard to bear that I had to put the book aside and just lay down for a while, looking at the ceiling as if I was going to cry.
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| But that happened only rarely.
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| And I couldn't even cry.
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| Today, the doctor comes in and gives me a smile. He seems excited, but not very. It's like he is trying to make an effort to be happy on my behalf.
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| My parents are here. It's been a few days since I've last seen them. Both of them are even sort of dressed up. Is this supposed to be some kind of special occasion? It's not a party.
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| There is this ritual the head cardiologist has. He takes his time, sorting his papers, then setting them aside as if to make a point of the pointlessness of what he just did.
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| There he casually sits down on the edge of the bed next to mine. He looks me in the eyes for a moment.
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"Hello, Hisao. How are you today?"''
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| I don't answer him but I smile a little, back at him.
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"I believe that you can go home; your heart is stronger now, and with some precautions, you should be fine."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"We have all your medication sorted out. I'll give your father the prescription."''
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| The doctor hands a sheet of paper to my dad, whose expression turns wooden as he reads it quickly.
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| '''Dad'''
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| ''"So many..."''
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| I take it from his hand and take a look myself, feeling numb. How am I supposed to react to this?
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| The absurdly long list of medications staring back at me from the paper seems insurmountable. They all blend together in a sea of letters.
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| This is insane.
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| Side effects, adverse effects, contraindications and dosages are listed line after line with cold precision.
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| I try to read them, but it's so futile.
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| I can't understand any of it. Attempting to only makes me feel sicker.
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| All this... for the rest of my life, every day?
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"I'm afraid that is the best we can do at this point."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"However, new medications are always being developed, so I wouldn't be surprised to see that list fade over the years."''
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| Years... What kind of confidence booster is that I'd have felt better if he hadn't said anything at all...
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"Also, I've spoken with your parents and we believe that it would be best if you don't return to your old school."''
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| What!?
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| '''Dad'''
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| ''"Please, calm down, Hisao. Listen to what the doctor has to say..."''
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| Calm down? The way he says it tells me he knew full well that I wouldn't like it. Am I going to be home schooled?
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| Whatever of my concern shows, it's ignored.
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"We all understand that your education is paramount; however, I don't think that it's wise for you to be without supervision."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"At least not until we're sure that your medication is suitable."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"So, I've spoken to your parents about a transfer."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"It's a school called [[Yamaku Academy]] that specializes in dealing with disabled students."''
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| Disabled? What? Am I...
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"It has a 24-hour nursing staff and it's only a few minutes from a highly regarded general hospital. The majority of students live on the campus."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"Think of it as a boarding school of sorts. It's designed to give students a degree of independence, while keeping help nearby."''
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| Independence? It's a school for disabled kids. Don't try to disguise that fact.
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| If it was really that "free," there wouldn't be a 24-hour nursing staff, and you wouldn't make a hospital being nearby a selling point.
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| '''Dad'''
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| ''"Of course, that's only if you want to go. But... your mother and I aren't really able to home school you."''
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| '''Dad'''
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| ''"We went out there and had a look a couple of weeks back; I think you'd like it."''
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| It looks like I really don't have a choice.
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"Compared to other heart problems, people with your condition usually tend to live long lives. You'll need a job one day and this is a good opportunity to continue your education."''
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| This isn't an opportunity, don't call it an opportunity. Don't call it a goddamned opportunity.
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"Well, you should be excited at the chance to go back to school. I remember you wanted to return to school, and while it's not the same one..."''
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| A special school. That's...
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| An insult. That is what I want to say. It's a step down.
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| '''Dad'''
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| ''"It's not what you think. All of the students there are pretty active, in their own sort of way."''
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| '''Dad'''
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| ''"It's geared towards students that can still get around and learn, but just need a little help... in one way or another."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"Your father's right. And many of the graduates of the school have gone on to do amazing things. A person doesn't have to be held back by their disability."''
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| '''Doctor'''
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| ''"One of my colleagues in another hospital is a graduate."''
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| I don't care. A person doesn't have to be held back by their disability? That's what a disability is.
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| I really hate that something so important was decided for me. But what can I do about it? A "normal" life is out of the question now.
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| It's funny, I had always thought my life was actually kind of boring, but now I miss it.
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| I want to protest. I want to blame this lack of reaction on shock, or fatigue. I could easily yell out something now - something about how I can go back to school anyway. But, no.
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| I don't say anything. The fact is that I know now it's futile.
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| I look around the room, feeling very tired of all this. The hospital, doctors, my condition, everything. I don't see anything that would make me feel any different.
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| There really isn't a choice. I know this, but the thought of going to a disabled school... what are those even like? As much as I try to put a positive spin on this, it's very difficult.
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| But let me try.
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| A clean slate isn't a bad thing.
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| That is all I can think of to get me through this. At least I still have something; even if it's a "special school," it's something. It's a fresh start, and my life isn't over. It would be a mistake to just resign myself to thinking that.
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| At the very least, I'll try to see what my new life will look like.
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| [[Category:Transcripts]] | |
| [[Category:Prologue Transcripts]] | | [[Category:Prologue Transcripts]] |