Bundle of Hisao/Transcript: Difference between revisions
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It's been four months since my heart attack. | |||
In that whole time, I can probably count the times I've left this hospital room unsupervised on one hand. | |||
Four months is a pretty long time when you're left alone with your thoughts. So, I've had plenty of time to come to terms with my situation. | |||
[[Arrhythmia]]. | |||
A strange word. A foreign, alien one. One that you don't want to be in the same room with. | |||
A rare condition. It causes the heart to act erratically and occasionally beat way too fast. It can be fatal. | |||
Apparently, I've had it for a long time. They said it was a miracle that I was able to go on so long without anything happening. | |||
Is that really a miracle? I guess it was supposed to make me feel better, more appreciative of my life. | |||
It really didn't do anything to cheer me up. | |||
My parents, I think, were hit harder by the news than I was. They practically had two hemorrhages apiece. | |||
I had already had a full day by then to digest everything. To them, it was all fresh. They were even willing to sell our house in order to pay for a cure. | |||
Of course there isn't a cure. | |||
Because of the late discovery of this... condition, I've had to stay at the hospital, to recuperate from the treatments. | |||
When I was first admitted, it felt as if I was missed... | |||
For about a week, my room in the ward was full of flowers, balloons and cards. | |||
But, the visitors soon dwindled and all the get-well gifts began trickling down to nothing shortly after. | |||
I realized that the only reason I had gotten so many cards and flowers was because sending me their sympathy had been turned into a class project. | |||
Maybe some people were genuinely concerned, but I doubt it. Even in the beginning, I barely had visitors. By the end of the first month, only my parents came by on a regular basis. | |||
[[Iwanako]] was the last to stop visiting. | |||
After six weeks, I never saw her again. We never had that much to talk about when she visited, anyway. | |||
We didn't touch the subject that was between us on that snowy day ever again. | |||
The hospital? | |||
It's not really a place I'd like to live in. | |||
The doctors and nurses feel so impersonal and faceless. | |||
I guess it's because they are in a hurry and they have a million other patients waiting for them, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. | |||
For the first month or so, I asked the head cardiologist every time I saw him for a rough estimate of when I'd be able to leave. | |||
He never answered anything in a straightforward way, but told me to wait and see if the treatment and surgeries worked. | |||
So, I idly observed the scar that those surgeries had left on my chest slowly change its appearance over time, thinking of it as some kind of an omen. | |||
I still ask the head cardiologist about leaving, but my expectations are low enough now that I'm not disappointed any more when I don't get a reply. The way he shuffles around the answer shows that there is at least some hope. | |||
At some point I stopped watching TV. I don't know why, I just did. | |||
Maybe it was the wrong kind of escapism for my situation. | |||
I started reading instead. There was a small "library" at the hospital, although it was more like a storeroom for books. I began working my way through it, one small stack at a time. After consuming them, I would go back for more. | |||
I found that I liked reading and I think I even became a bit addicted. I started feeling naked without a book in my hands. | |||
But I loved the stories. | |||
That was what my life was like. | |||
The days became increasingly harder to distinguish from each other, differing only by the book I was reading and the weather outside. It felt like time blurred into some kind of gooey mess I was trapped inside, instead of moving within. | |||
A week could go by without me really noticing it. | |||
Sometimes, I'd pause in realization that I didn't know what day of the week it was. | |||
But other times, all the things that surrounded me would painfully crash into my consciousness, through the barrier of nonchalance I had set up for myself. | |||
The pages of my book would start to feel sharp and burning hot and the heaviness in my chest would become so hard to bear that I had to put the book aside and just lay down for a while, looking at the ceiling as if I was going to cry. | |||
But that happened only rarely. | |||
And I couldn't even cry. | |||
Today, the doctor comes in and gives me a smile. He seems excited, but not very. It's like he is trying to make an effort to be happy on my behalf. | |||
My parents are here. It's been a few days since I've last seen them. Both of them are even sort of dressed up. Is this supposed to be some kind of special occasion? It's not a party. | |||
There is this ritual the head cardiologist has. He takes his time, sorting his papers, then setting them aside as if to make a point of the pointlessness of what he just did. | |||
There he casually sits down on the edge of the bed next to mine. He looks me in the eyes for a moment. | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"Hello, Hisao. How are you today?"'' | |||
I don't answer him but I smile a little, back at him. | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"I believe that you can go home; your heart is stronger now, and with some precautions, you should be fine."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"We have all your medication sorted out. I'll give your father the prescription."'' | |||
The doctor hands a sheet of paper to my dad, whose expression turns wooden as he reads it quickly. | |||
'''Dad''' | |||
''"So many..."'' | |||
I take it from his hand and take a look myself, feeling numb. How am I supposed to react to this? | |||
The absurdly long list of medications staring back at me from the paper seems insurmountable. They all blend together in a sea of letters. | |||
This is insane. | |||
Side effects, adverse effects, contraindications and dosages are listed line after line with cold precision. | |||
I try to read them, but it's so futile. | |||
I can't understand any of it. Attempting to only makes me feel sicker. | |||
All this... for the rest of my life, every day? | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"I'm afraid that is the best we can do at this point."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"However, new medications are always being developed, so I wouldn't be surprised to see that list fade over the years."'' | |||
Years... What kind of confidence booster is that I'd have felt better if he hadn't said anything at all... | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"Also, I've spoken with your parents and we believe that it would be best if you don't return to your old school."'' | |||
What!? | |||
'''Dad''' | |||
''"Please, calm down, Hisao. Listen to what the doctor has to say..."'' | |||
Calm down? The way he says it tells me he knew full well that I wouldn't like it. Am I going to be home schooled? | |||
Whatever of my concern shows, it's ignored. | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"We all understand that your education is paramount; however, I don't think that it's wise for you to be without supervision."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"At least not until we're sure that your medication is suitable."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"So, I've spoken to your parents about a transfer."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"It's a school called [[Yamaku Academy]] that specializes in dealing with disabled students."'' | |||
Disabled? What? Am I... | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"It has a 24-hour nursing staff and it's only a few minutes from a highly regarded general hospital. The majority of students live on the campus."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"Think of it as a boarding school of sorts. It's designed to give students a degree of independence, while keeping help nearby."'' | |||
Independence? It's a school for disabled kids. Don't try to disguise that fact. | |||
If it was really that "free," there wouldn't be a 24-hour nursing staff, and you wouldn't make a hospital being nearby a selling point. | |||
'''Dad''' | |||
''"Of course, that's only if you want to go. But... your mother and I aren't really able to home school you."'' | |||
'''Dad''' | |||
''"We went out there and had a look a couple of weeks back; I think you'd like it."'' | |||
It looks like I really don't have a choice. | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"Compared to other heart problems, people with your condition usually tend to live long lives. You'll need a job one day and this is a good opportunity to continue your education."'' | |||
This isn't an opportunity, don't call it an opportunity. Don't call it a goddamned opportunity. | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"Well, you should be excited at the chance to go back to school. I remember you wanted to return to school, and while it's not the same one..."'' | |||
A special school. That's... | |||
An insult. That is what I want to say. It's a step down. | |||
'''Dad''' | |||
''"It's not what you think. All of the students there are pretty active, in their own sort of way."'' | |||
'''Dad''' | |||
''"It's geared towards students that can still get around and learn, but just need a little help... in one way or another."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"Your father's right. And many of the graduates of the school have gone on to do amazing things. A person doesn't have to be held back by their disability."'' | |||
'''Doctor''' | |||
''"One of my colleagues in another hospital is a graduate."'' | |||
I don't care. A person doesn't have to be held back by their disability? That's what a disability is. | |||
I really hate that something so important was decided for me. But what can I do about it? A "normal" life is out of the question now. | |||
It's funny, I had always thought my life was actually kind of boring, but now I miss it. | |||
I want to protest. I want to blame this lack of reaction on shock, or fatigue. I could easily yell out something now - something about how I can go back to school anyway. But, no. | |||
I don't say anything. The fact is that I know now it's futile. | |||
I look around the room, feeling very tired of all this. The hospital, doctors, my condition, everything. I don't see anything that would make me feel any different. | |||
There really isn't a choice. I know this, but the thought of going to a disabled school... what are those even like? As much as I try to put a positive spin on this, it's very difficult. | |||
But let me try. | |||
A clean slate isn't a bad thing. | |||
That is all I can think of to get me through this. At least I still have something; even if it's a "special school," it's something. It's a fresh start, and my life isn't over. It would be a mistake to just resign myself to thinking that. | |||
At the very least, I'll try to see what my new life will look like. | |||
[[Category:Transcripts]] | |||
[[Category:Prologue Transcripts]] | [[Category:Prologue Transcripts]] |