Bundle of Hisao/Transcript: Difference between revisions

|''It's been four months since my heart attack.'' <br />

''In that whole time, I can probably count the times I've left this hospital room unsupervised on one hand.'' <br />

''Four months is a pretty long time when you're left alone with your thoughts. So, I've had plenty of time to come to terms with my situation.'' <br />

''Arrhythmia.'' <br />

''A strange word. A foreign, alien one. One that you don't want to be in the same room with.'' <br />

''A rare condition. It causes the heart to act erratically and occasionally beat way too fast. It can be fatal.'' <br />

''Apparently, I've had it for a long time. They said it was a miracle that I was able to go on so long without anything happening.'' <br />

''Is that really a miracle? I guess it was supposed to make me feel better, more appreciative of my life.'' <br />

''It really didn't do anything to cheer me up.'' <br />

''My parents, I think, were hit harder by the news than I was. They practically had two hemorrhages apiece.'' <br />

''I had already had a full day by then to digest everything. To them, it was all fresh. They were even willing to sell our house in order to pay for a cure.'' <br />

''Of course there isn't a cure.'' <br />

''Because of the late discovery of this... condition, I've had to stay at the hospital, to recuperate from the treatments.'' <br />

''When I was first admitted, it felt as if I was missed...'' <br />

''For about a week, my room in the ward was full of flowers, balloons and cards.'' <br />

''But, the visitors soon dwindled and all the get-well gifts began trickling down to nothing shortly after.'' <br />

''I realized that the only reason I had gotten so many cards and flowers was because sending me their sympathy had been turned into a class project.'' <br />

''Maybe some people were genuinely concerned, but I doubt it. Even in the beginning, I barely had visitors. By the end of the first month, only my parents came by on a regular basis.'' <br />

''Iwanako was the last to stop visiting.'' <br />

''After six weeks, I never saw her again. We never had that much to talk about when she visited, anyway.'' <br />

''We didn't touch the subject that was between us on that snowy day ever again.'' <br />

''The hospital?

''It's not really a place I'd like to live in.'' <br />

''The doctors and nurses feel so impersonal and faceless.'' <br />

''I guess it's because they are in a hurry and they have a million other patients waiting for them, but it makes me feel uncomfortable.'' <br />

''For the first month or so, I asked the head cardiologist every time I saw him for a rough estimate of when I'd be able to leave.'' <br />

''He never answered anything in a straightforward way, but told me to wait and see if the treatment and surgeries worked.'' <br />

''So, I idly observed the scar that those surgeries had left on my chest slowly change its appearance over time, thinking of it as some kind of an omen.'' <br />

''I still ask the head cardiologist about leaving, but my expectations are low enough now that I'm not disappointed any more when I don't get a reply. The way he shuffles around the answer shows that there is at least some hope.'' <br />

''At some point I stopped watching TV. I don't know why, I just did.'' <br />

''Maybe it was the wrong kind of escapism for my situation.'' <br />

''I started reading instead. There was a small "library" at the hospital, although it was more like a storeroom for books. I began working my way through it, one small stack at a time. After consuming them, I would go back for more.'' <br />

''I found that I liked reading and I think I even became a bit addicted. I started feeling naked without a book in my hands.'' <br />

''But I loved the stories.'' <br />

''That was what my life was like.'' <br />

''The days became increasingly harder to distinguish from each other, differing only by the book I was reading and the weather outside. It felt like time blurred into some kind of gooey mess I was trapped inside, instead of moving within.'' <br />

''A week could go by without me really noticing it.'' <br />

''Sometimes, I'd pause in realization that I didn't know what day of the week it was.'' <br />

''But other times, all the things that surrounded me would painfully crash into my consciousness, through the barrier of nonchalance I had set up for myself.'' <br />

''The pages of my book would start to feel sharp and burning hot and the heaviness in my chest would become so hard to bear that I had to put the book aside and just lay down for a while, looking at the ceiling as if I was going to cry.'' <br />

''But that happened only rarely.'' <br />

''And I couldn't even cry.'' <br />

''Today, the doctor comes in and gives me a smile. He seems excited, but not very. It's like he is trying to make an effort to be happy on my behalf.'' <br />

''My parents are here. It's been a few days since I've last seen them. Both of them are even sort of dressed up. Is this supposed to be some kind of special occasion? It's not a party.'' <br />

''There is this ritual the head cardiologist has. He takes his time, sorting his papers, then setting them aside as if to make a point of the pointlessness of what he just did.'' <br />

''There he casually sits down on the edge of the bed next to mine. He looks me in the eyes for a moment.'' <br />

|''I don't care. A person doesn't have to be held back by their disability? That's what a disability is.'' <br />

''I really hate that something so important was decided for me. But what can I do about it? A "normal" life is out of the question now.'' <br />

''It's funny, I had always thought my life was actually kind of boring, but now I miss it.'' <br />

''I want to protest. I want to blame this lack of reaction on shock, or fatigue. I could easily yell out something now - something about how I can go back to school anyway. But, no.'' <br />

''I don't say anything. The fact is that I know now it's futile.'' <br />

''I look around the room, feeling very tired of all this. The hospital, doctors, my condition, everything. I don't see anything that would make me feel any different.'' <br />

''There really isn't a choice. I know this, but the thought of going to a disabled school... what are those even like? As much as I try to put a positive spin on this, it's very difficult.'' <br />

''But let me try.'' <br />

''A clean slate isn't a bad thing.'' <br />

''That is all I can think of to get me through this. At least I still have something; even if it's a "special school," it's something. It's a fresh start, and my life isn't over. It would be a mistake to just resign myself to thinking that.'' <br />

''At the very least, I'll try to see what my new life will look like.'' <br />