Smalltalk/Transcript

It was a dark stormy night at the port. The Miami police department had their radios buzzing like crazy, something about the Columbian Mafia making illegal exports of dubious items. Even though the Miami police may lack common sense, basic police knowledge, and don't know what fingerprints are, they made on good choice, sending the incredibly handsome and competent Detective Manny Pardo to stop these good for nothing crooks who want their 15 pounds of shekels. 

Pardo arrived at the place, with his trusty shotgun in the back trunk of his car. The smell of sea salt wafted through the air. Pardo noticed Columbians porting crates onto a ship, there was no intel however on what they were exporting. For all Pardo could know, they could be exporting the most diabolical items, such as selfie sticks, nukes, illegal weaponry, bad pop songs, or worse...Michael Bay movies. There were many Columbians on the ship, so Pardo needed help....getting body bags once he was done with them.

"I am at the place" Pardo groaned onto his radio, "Where the hell is backup?"

"Hehehe, it is I" said a mysterious voice through the radio, "I have brainwashed your comrades, detective Manny Pardo"

Pardo was shocked, that voice was none other than the Miami Mutilator's, "You fiend!", Pardo blared, "What have you done to them?!?"

"Nothing much," chortled the Miami Mutilator, "I only strapped them all into chairs and are forcing them to watch Midnight Animal."

"YOU FIEND!" Pardo shouted through his radio, "YOU'RE TURNING MY COMRADES INTO JACKET JACK-OFFS!!!"

The Miami Mutilator cackled a sinister sound through the radio, "Farewell, detective Pardo, and be sure not to bleed all over my exports."

*click*

Pardo couldn't believe it, his comrades were being brainwashed into Jacket Jack-offs and he had no idea what those damned Columbians were exporting. So there was only one option, it was time for Pardo the head in, he was coming, and he was coming in unarmed, because his shotgun was too slippery from all the other encounters earlier that day.

"OH NO, DETECTIVE PARDO IS HERE, FIRE!!!" yelled a Columbian gangster

All the Columbians pulled out arms and aimed at Pardo. Pardo then crossed his arms and stood his ground. They all fired bullets at Pardo, but they bounced off the detective's skin.

"HOW?!?!" welped one Columbian

"Because", stated Pardo, "I was born with thick skin."

Pardo then cracked open a nearby weapon's crate with his barehands and pulled out a fine vintage M1014 Shotgun into his thick skinned hands. He then skillfully aimed lead into all the Columbian's with only one hand. There was one Columbian left, however he was wearing more expensive clothes.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!" the poor thug yelped

"This gun sexually identifies as a shotgun, and I am not afraid to use it unless you have any important information on these exports here." Pardo said in a cool firm tone.

The poor thug then shot himself because he didn't want to disappoint the incredibly handsome detective Pardo, because he had really no fucking clue what they were exporting.

Slightly frustrated, Pardo got a grip and cracked open a suspicous looking red crate. To his surprise, he found Billy Mays in cable ties!

"MMPH, MMPH, MMMMPH" Billy Mays mumbled 

Pardo then heroically freed the man from his chains.

"What is going on? What is happening?" Pardo queried Mays.

"Billy Mays here! Him....he is going to use Mighty Putty™ (as advertised on TV) to repair his death laser..."

"Is that all?" Pardo interrupted

"But wait...there's mo-"

*POW*

At the moment, Billy Mays was shot by a mysterious figure.

"P-Pardo, take this," Billy Mays said with his dying breath, "Billy Mays...signing..off."

Billy Mays then gave Pardo a can of KABOOM™ (as advertised on TV). A mysterious figure came out of the shadows, it was none other than...THE SHAMWOW™ (as advertised on TV) GUY!!!

"SO IT WAS YOU, VINCE!!" Pardo yelled with anger

"Hi it's Vince with Shamwow ™ (as advertised on TV), and I am here to show you THE ABSORBTION OF MANNY PARDO'S THICK SKIN!!"

Vince came at Pardo with his Shamwow™ (as advertised on TV) and attempted to absorb Pardo's thick skin all for himself, but little did he realize you can't absorb Pardo's thick skin. Pardo then strangled Vince with his own Shamwow™. 

"B-b-but it works wet and dry." Vince said with his dying breath

"Sometimes I hate these infomericials." stated Pardo

"I can't keep my identity secret all day," Vince said, revealing his true form, VINCE WAS BUT THE MIAMI MUTILATOR IN DISGUISE!!! "PARDO!" he announced, "I WILL NOW FIX MY DEATH LASER TO TURN EVERYONE IN MIAMI INTO MY SLAVES, AND I WILL GET MY 15 MINUTES OF FAME!"

The Mutilator then pushed a level, causing the boat to leave harbor, Pardo had an idea to stop the Mutilator from getting to his brainwashing laser. Pardo twisted the Shamwow™ (as advertised on TV) and threw it into the ocean, causing the entire ocean to be absorbed.

"CURSES!" the Miami Mutilator shouted, "FOILED AGAIN BY ACE DETECTIVE MANNY PARDO, BUT MARK MY WORDS, I WILL GET A GRIP ON YOUR THICK FORESKIN, AND I WILL GET MY 15 MINUTES OF FAME!!!". The madman then pressed a self destruct button, flinging both off the ship, but Pardo survived luckily with his thick skin, however that dastardly Miami Mutilator fled once again.

Pardo the pondered to himself what his can of KABOOM™ (as advertised on TV) was for. He then went into the police station, to his horror, find all of his co-workers jacking off to a picture of Jacket. Using his ace detective skills, he knew how to reverse this. Pardo poured KABOOM™ (as advertised on TV) everywhere, cleaning the stains of Jacket worship and semen stains everywhere. Everyone was cured, thanks to Pardo's thick intelligence he was born with.

"P-Pardo...what happened?" said the commissioner, confused why he was jacking off to Jacket in a zebra mask.

"I saved everyone's asses, that is what. (God, sometimes I hate this city)."

"OH PARDO, YOU ARE SUCH A LOOSE CANNON" the commissioner said with a hearty laugh.

Fin.